Though a pregnancy loss can affect both partners in a heterosexual relationship, a recent study shows that people rarely ask men how they’re dealing with it. They’re more likely to be ignored or engaged in matters unrelated to the loss. Unfortunately, the study also shows that men whose partners lost a pregnancy often experience mental health effects long after their partner has started to get better. These effects can include depression, grief, and anxiety. The best way to help these men is to ensure they have the support they need. Here’s what you need to know if your partner has lost a baby.
The feelings after a pregnancy loss aren’t the same for everyone so it’s important for you to embrace how you’re feeling. Some men describe pregnancy loss as leaving a void while others say it’s a devastating tragedy. Some men feel the grief immediately and others feel disconnected from everything for a time. Additionally, your feelings can change as the reality of what’s happened sets in.
While your focus may be helping your partner cope with their loss, you should also take some time to get in touch with your emotions as well. You need a safe space to grieve, too. As with your partner, you shouldn’t blame yourself for the loss. Statistics show that up to one in five pregnancies end in miscarriage and it’s rarely because of something the persons involved did.
You also shouldn’t rush the grieving process. It can take as long as it takes. While you’re grieving, it’s helpful to be kind to yourself and give yourself room to express your emotions. During this time, you’ll be better served to find a good support structure. You need people around you who are willing to listen to you. If you don’t have close friends or loved ones who fit the bill, it’s best to look for a support group for fathers. Even an online group will help.
Another way to cope is to create a way for you and your partner to mark the end of the pregnancy. In doing this, it gives both of you time to discuss the emotions you felt about the pregnancy and its loss. Some people have said that having a personal ceremony that mimics a short funeral helped them move forward.
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Though the grieving process differs for everyone, you may experience shock, confusion, numbness, sadness, anger, loneliness, and guilt. These stages aren’t always linear, either. You can shift from one to the other while selling with your loss. It can also be difficult to pinpoint the symptoms of depression when you’re grieving. Some of the symptoms to look out for include continuous low mood or sadness, feeling hopeless and helpless, feeling anxious or worried, disturbed sleep, avoiding contact with friends, and having difficulties in your home, work, or family life.
Black men don’t always want to reach out to a therapist but pregnancy loss is one of those situations where it can become necessary. If you find that you’re still depressed or the depression is getting worse, you need to find a therapist. Sometimes, losing a pregnancy means you get high anxiety when your partner gets pregnant again. A therapist can help you and your partner work through these emotions and have a healthy pregnancy.
Though race doesn’t usually determine how well a therapist can help, studies show that many Black people feel more comfortable with a Black therapist. Having a therapist who may share similar experiences can also lead to a more relatable professional relationship. Additionally, a Black therapist may have developed strategies that will specifically aid you in opening up about what you’re feeling.
When you’re looking for the right therapist, it’s good to get recommendations from loved ones or close friends but an online search works, too. There are different mental health resources online that are designed for Black men.
Some people might not acknowledge it but dads grieve for lost pregnancies, too. If they’re given the support they need, their mental health can suffer for a long time. If you’re dealing with a pregnancy loss, you should take the steps to grieve properly and see a therapist when necessary.
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