This week, NBA star Carmelo Anthony and his wife, LaLa Anthony announced that they were separating. There have been a number of rumors surrounding why the couple decided to split. One rumor stated that his uncertainty with the NBA and moving around to find the right team has taken a toll on the marriage. Another rumor was that Anthony got another woman pregnant. No rumor or reason for separation is ever easy and we wish them the best.
But this split bring up a good question, can separation be good for a marriage? Can time apart really bring people back together?
In a legal separation, the parties are still married, versus a divorce where the marriage is ended. A legal separation is a court order that mandates the rights and duties of a couple while they are still married, but living apart.
There are three main reasons why couples separate
1. A step in the divorce process
2. To to gain perspective on the marriage
3. To enhance the marriage
According to Psychology Today, here are four ways that you can have an enhanced or positive separation and come out on the other side with a better, stronger marriage:
I. Get Third-Party Support. While some couples can do this on their own, many therapists recommend some type of neutral third party to help facilitate this process. It can get tricky and sometimes rough, especially if this is being done while there is currently some tension or problems between spouses. But as the old adage says, “anything work keeping, takes work.” Getting insight from a therapist, clergy, mediator, or lawyer that isn’t on anyone’s side, may help.
II. Set Clear and Reasonable Expectations. Ground rules are a must to maintain a sense of trust between the parties. If one person expects to communicate every day but the other doesn’t, this could cause hurt feelings. Knowing what to expect avoids this type of situation.
III. Know Your Goal. This is key. Don’t assume that you both have the same goal. You both really…
… need to agree that your intention in living apart is to enhance your marriage. Again, if one spouse thinks the separation is a step in the divorce process but the other thinks it’s a temporary “time-out,” this can cause a major rift in the trust between the two. Having the same goal in this exercise is particularly important in making it a successful exercise.
IV. Maintain Regular Communication. Having no contact at all for an extended period of time may actually begin to hurt the marital connection. Instead of an “Absence makes the heart grow fonder” mentality, it may end up being, “Out of sight, out of mind.”
As with anything, some treatments for a broken marriage will not work. That’s why it’s crucial that each spouse be honest with his or herself and honest with each other about why they are doing this exercise. If you don’t intend to stay with your partner, the worst thing you can do is pretend to be interested in working things out.
To be transparent, my wife and I took a brief separation within the first year we got married. Initially, it was devastating and unimaginable. But it was our constant communication during that brief separation that really kept us growing together and ultimately brought us back together (that, along with a lot of prayer too!).
Even though I was successful, my parents were not and ended up getting a divorce after their separation.
Either way, if you decide to separate or not, be clear on the goal–in your mind and in your heart. Don’t just focus on the feelings you are experiencing at that moment, but be clear on what you want out of the relationship and the separation.
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