None of us are supposed to stay the same forever. We’re supposed to learn, grow and practice discernment in order to navigate life with wisdom. We’ve all accepted that as an unarguable truth. When we finally undergo self-improvement and evolve personally, weird things start to happen–people who once supported you through your struggle shrink to the background when things improve in your life.
Why does this happen? Research from Northwestern University analyzed the phenomena, as summarized by Ashley Lyles in Psychology Today. Over several studies, individuals thought about how their friends, loved ones and partners had evolved.
They indicated how much previous or anticipated support or resistance they had prior to those behavioral shifts. Analysts then had the participants self-assess how clear they were about their self-concept.
The analysts found that, when people had lower clarity about their self-concept, they generally were not as supportive of their loved one changing in any way.
The team came to the conclusion that this was because the individuals worried that changes in their partner meant they would have to evolve, as well. Without a firm idea of who they were on their own and how they fair in the world on as individuals, they were unsettled not knowing how their partners would define them.
Although the report was focused on romantic pairings, the same results could apply to anyone with whom we share a deep connection. This includes family members who help with entrepreneurial efforts, friends who’ve listened to failed romance stories and even mentors or team members you’ve bonded with.
It’s perfectly normal to constantly yearn for the familiar to some degree, and because we use external validation to form and empower our perception of ourselves, it can be unsettling to see those we see as our foundation become willing to shift…or move away from us.
We have to ask ourselves and answer some tough questions around whether the changes we see somehow will alter our future or, worse, break the connection with people with whom we have deep bonds with.
So, based on the findings of this report, it fair to assume it’s not that people don’t care about what you want to do. In fact, they probably really want you to achieve and reach your goals. It’s just that they need to know who they are without you.
According to Inc.com, you can help them sort that out by…
-Encouraging them to try new things
-Asking for their opinion
-Inquiring about what they want or value
-Getting them more information or resources to explore their hobbies and interests
-Tactfully pointing out both strengths and weaknesses in a positive way
-Connecting them with new people
-Stepping back so they can take more control
-Encouraging them to try again after mistakes
-Taking time to listen about deeper experiences that can fuel fear and timidity
The more you encourage the other person through these strategies, the more they’ll be able to stand on their own two feet and empower your growth.
Jasmine Browley holds an MA in journalism from Columbia College Chicago, and has contributed to Ebony, Jet and MADE Magazine among others. So, clearly, she knows some stuff. Follow her digital journey @JasmineBrowley.
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