There’s a lot of attention surrounding the new requirement for girls in New Zealand to wear longer skirts to prevent “boys from getting ideas” and to “create a good work environment for male staff.”
Even Erykah Badu weighed in on this story. I thought she, of all people, would come to these girls’ defense. But, Badu agreed with the article and left me and ‘Black Twitter’ dumbfounded. They were talking about grown men sexualizing children and blaming the children for it. And she agreed?
READ: If It’s Not A Clear Yes It’s A No: Honoring Sexual Consent In Relationships
With all the respectability politics policing women and girls, we often forget to educate our boys on their problematic behavior. If we don’t teach them something is wrong, they’ll likely assume it’s right. We have to educate our boys before they grow up to be men who still misunderstand the difference between consensual and non-consensual sex.
The next time you have ‘the talk’ don’t forget to mention consent.
“I think in speaking to boys and young men about this issue, it’s worth reminding them that young women may experience sex and its consequences differently than many males (including things that might affect their willingness, like concern about pregnancy and reputation),” said Dr. Carol Queen, the staff sexologist at Good Vibrations.
If you’re tired of being lead on, quit following.
Granted, boys aren’t mind readers. But, they shouldn’t assume that someone wants to have sex with them, even if that person has shown some kind of interest. They should also know being lead on is not a sign for them to pursue someone more aggressively.
“True consent cannot be manipulated. A ‘Yes’ after twenty minutes of whining, guilting, bugging, or begging is not actually a yes. Pretending to be (or willing to do) something you aren’t is not consent,” said Jo Langford, a therapist and a sex educator for teen boys and their parents in Seattle.
Don’t let influence, influence you.
According to the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism, approximately one-half of all sexual assaults involve alcohol consumption by either the perpetrator, victim, or both. Because alcohol can impair judgment, cognitive and motor skills, a person cannot give consent while under the influence of alcohol.
“If you are too drunk to drive a car, you are too drunk to drive your genitals. Drunk, high or sleeping people can’t give consent,” said Langford.
Age is not just a number.
Many people make the assumption that having sex with someone who’s close in age is ok. But, the legal age of consent varies from state to state and a person under a certain age cannot give consent.
“[In Indiana] Sexual conduct with a child less than 14 years of age is child molesting. But there is no minimum age for a person to be a child molester. So any child capable of forming a criminal intent may molest a younger child. Children as young as 10-years-old have been charged with sex offenses,” said Laurie Gray, an experienced trial attorney and child advocate.
A woman you haven’t committed to owes you nothing. Even after commitment, her body is still her own.
It’s important for boys to know that consent needs to be given before every sexual encounter, even if they’ve already had sex with the person or if that person is their girlfriend.
“Consent is a process, not a goal… Giving consent once does not mean they can’t say “No” later. Yes, even if you are in a relationship with someone or they’ve let you do stuff before – you still need to ask each time. People get to say, “No,”anytime – even if they’ve already said, yes,” said Langford.
Sex without consent is sexual assault.
Assault is shame. It is humiliation and isolation. A few minutes of pleasure isn’t worth a lifetime of a girl being unable to see herself as worthy because she may have been afraid to speak up for herself.
It’s not worth suicide, drug abuse, nor the depression many victims experience after being sexually assaulted, according to the Rape Abuse Incest National Network. And it’s not worth jail time or your son having to register as a sex offender because he had a misunderstanding of consent – whether it be neglecting to verify age, having sex under the influence of a controlled substance, or coercion.
Last but not least, clothes don’t speak.
What a girl was wearing, during the time of the assault, is often brought up as evidence of her “asking for it.” Regardless of how sexy, revealing, or provocative someone’s clothing may seem, it’s never an invitation to violate the body underneath the clothes. We have to teach boys to respect girls, regardless of what they are wearing.
“Clothes are not a risk factor. The only risk factor is the presence of a rapist. And really, if the issue was about perpetrators not being able [to] control themselves around women dressed in revealing clothing, then rates of sexual assault at beaches, pools, and fashion shows would be out of control,” according to Consented, an organization working towards a world without sexual violence.
For more great articles, click here.
By subscribing, you consent to receive emails from BlackDoctor.com. You may unsubscribe at any time. Privacy Policy & Terms of Service.
