#BlackGirlHealing: My Life After I Stopped Taking Depression Meds

When I was prescribed medication for anxiety and depression five months ago, I was extremely apprehensive about taking it. The first time I’d been prescribed an antidepressant it resulted in a suicide attempt. I was afraid of that happening again. But, seeing as how I was hospitalized in a mental health facility that could keep me longer if I refused medication… Let’s just say I was motivated to give meds a shot.

Taking medication definitely stopped my crippling anxiety and stabilized my mood. But it also made me groggy, increased my appetite and led to me gaining 10 pounds. One day, after being unable to jog around the block due to fatigue, I decided it was time to quit.

When I told my doctor that I was quitting my medication, she was not pleased. She warned me about the extreme side affects people experience while coming off of meds. And I knew she was right, because I’d already done my own research. People who quit their meds report everything from cold sweats to something called “brain zaps,” a painful sensation that feels like a lightening bolt surging through your skull. My doctor urged me to reconsider. However, she couldn’t deny that I was stable enough to cope without meds. So my mind was made up.

At this point, it is important for me to mention that it is not safe for everyone to quit their psychiatric meds. Different people take meds for different reasons. If yours help you deal with a chemical imbalance or extreme mood disorder, take your freaking meds! Research shows that my particular mental health issues can be managed through diet and lifestyle. So that’s precisely what I did.

Quitting meds was a process. To avoid withdrawal symptoms, I tapered off slowly. I started by…

Quitting Klonopin was not so easy. I quickly realized how important it had been to my recovery when I had a bout of anxiety that wouldn’t go away. I’d been so confident (and cocky) that I could quit meds at this point that I had thrown them all out. Imagine how salty I was when I had to call in my prescription and drag my butt to Walgreens to get more Klonopin.

Luckily, a friend online informed me that exercise had been extremely helpful for her recovery and could help with mine. I threw myself into an exercise regiment. And sure enough, it got to the point where I no longer needed Klonopin. I could actually feel a depressive episode coming on, and I learned that through diet and exercise I could prevent them.

Of course, because life is cruel, a day came when…

…I felt a depressive episode coming and nothing could stop it. The tension in my muscles and pressure in my head would not go away. Feeling helpless, I turned to my friends online for suggestions on how to prevent a depressive episode without meds. To my surprise, dozens of people responded with great ideas and I literally did them all.

I went to yoga. I did 30 minutes of cardio and ate dark chocolate afterward to boost my endorphins. I listened to happy music. I listened to my own unreleased music. I listened to binaural beats while doing meditation. I took a double dose of 5htp. I ate a delicious meal. I watched a funny show. I talked to my friends. I did some pampering and primping. And that one day of extreme self-care helped me avoid a depressive episode without meds for the first time in five months.

For anyone who wants to get off psychiatric medication, there is hope. Don’t quit cold turkey. Talk to your doctor, make a plan, and do it the empowered way. And understand that you are gonna have bad days. You might need to go back on your meds at some point and start the process of quitting all over again. And that’s ok. Because, at the end of the day, the goal isn’t to be medication-free. The goal is to be better, by any means necessary.