The eve of Jan 30th, 2018 tragedy struck my family in the worst way. This was the day we discovered my 21-year-old cousin Paul had committed suicide.
It pains me to even type those words, yet its a reality our family must live with forever. Paul was such a bright spirit with a smile that could light up any room and a personality you had no choice but to fall in love with. In high school, he was an all-around student-athlete who was loved by many and after graduation, he went on to serve our nation proudly as a soldier in the United States military.
What makes this tragedy even more heartbreaking is this isn’t the first time our family has experienced this pain. Just two years before, Reggie, Paul’s big brother, at 22 years old took his own life when life became too much to handle.
Here we are reliving the pain, agony, and shock yet again. So many unanswered questions followed with regretful thinking of “how could I have not seen the signs” or “what more could I have done to stop this.” See the thing is Reggie nor Paul appeared to be suicidal. However, therein lies problematic thinking-there is no standard appearance for depression!
Depression is a nasty animal that paralyzes so many people. It doesn’t matter the
age, sex, gender, religion, or anything else. We can all become victims of depression or know a friend or family member that struggles with it. According to the National Institute of Mental Health, 350 million people worldwide suffer from depression. That’s 5% of the world’s population. Additionally, the same report also states, 16 million people in the US had at least one depressive episode in the past year.
While these statistics are more than alarming, whats even more alarming is the lack of support that friends and family members battling depression receive during their darkest moments.
So what can we do to help? I’m here to give you some tips on how to be the best friend, spouse, or family member to a loved one battling depression or other mental health issues.
1.Pay Attention
Often times we notice subtle changes but ignore them for whatever reason. Be it denial or us thinking its nothing major can be problematic thinking for a loved one exhibiting symptoms of depression. Paying attention and being aware is the first step to being supportive or helpful to a person battling depression.
2.Don’t Be Dismissive
This one I’m guilty of myself. I’ve had friends who’ve struggled with depression and I’ve been the jerk to tell them to “man-up” or “get over it.” Depression isn’t something they can turn on and off. It’s a
constant struggle that impacts their quality of life and thinking DAILY. Having a dismissive attitude to their agony only belittles their struggle and makes them feel even more alone in this battle. By listening not to respond but to understand you might be able to help someone or even help yourself.
3.Be Present and Active
In a world driven by technology we’re guilty of impersonal “check-ins.” Meaning we text our loved ones instead of calling or stopping by. The culture of the world currently is so busy, busy, busy. Slowing down and be present and an active figure in your friend or family members life can mean the world of difference. When depression rears its ugly head sometimes all that’s needed is just a warm smile or positive attitude. It’s pretty difficult to show that warming smile through text or email. Be present. Be active.
4. Cut Them Some Slack
Understanding depression also means understanding that people who are battling their own thoughts won’t always be happy go lucky and can sometimes be considered a negative Nancy.
Being too hard on them for their disposition is the same as not being compassionate or empathetic to their struggle. The key to support is being understanding. Some days they will be the most negative and not the most fun; there will also be other days where they are on top of the world. As a friend, spouse, or family member it’s our duty is to ride this rollercoaster with them judgment free.
In the end, our support can really be life or death for them.
Death has an interesting way of
putting life into perspective and causing one to reevaluate so many things. In my family’s case, it forced us to battle a demon that so taboo in the black community–mental health.
Mental health is something that is often swept under the rug or we’re told to pray it away. While prayer certainly can provide some value, we need to know and recognize when more is needed.
For my family, we’ve decided to join the battle against depression and suicide by fighting daily to bring awareness and knowledge to the subject. Reggie and Paul were too young and too gifted to leave in the manner they did.
To honor their memory, we started the Reginald and Paul Sewell Foundation. Our mission is to end the silence against depression, suicidal thoughts, and other forms of mental illness not discussed within our communities. My hope is that if you are a friend, lover, or family member to someone fighting depression you are now more equipped with the right tools to fight. We can only win if we do it together.
Please visit online to join our fight against suicide and if you want to make a donation.
If you or someone you know needs help, please contact the National Suicide Prevention hotline at 1-800-273-8255, anytime.
Brandon Herring is a financial professional by day and ratchet scholar by night. A graduate of the University of Illinois at Urbana Champaign his areas of specialty include personal finance, entrepreneurship, business, and marketing. He Is a self-proclaimed know it all with a love for his community, and seeks to contribute philanthropically through financial education amongst African Americans.
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