All relationships require constant compromise. In fact, the most consistent relationship advice I’ve received from older women is “Choose your battles.” In other words, learn to compromise.
We know long-term relationships require hard work. Anytime two unique people from different backgrounds decide to become one, both will have to give and take. The day to day compromises like choosing a TV show or deciding dinner usually won’t lead to an argument. Those decisions are easy. We also know what settling looks like in the extreme. For example, we wouldn’t consider staying in an abusive relationship a compromise. We know that’s settling.
The challenge comes with the decisions in the middle where it’s not a day to day compromise or an extreme version of settling. And, it varies from person to person. A woman who really desires kids would be settling if she married a man who refuses to have children. On the other hand, a woman unsure about kids could find happiness with the same man. If you’re struggling with a decision in the middle, there are three sure ways to know if you’re compromising or settling.
A compromise is in line with your belief system. Settling contradicts your beliefs.
You had your own moral code before the relationship. You had your
idea of right and wrong. You had your own ideologies and practices. These beliefs are at the core of your being and have made you the person you are.
In a compromise, you’re not asked to go against your own value system. You’re not asked to accept behaviors or participate in activities you believe are morally wrong. If a relationship makes you feel convicted by your own beliefs, you’re probably settling.
You might compromise with your partner on the place of worship you’ll attend. However, you’d be settling if your partner asked you not to attend worship at all. When you settle and go against your own belief system, you’ll eventually lose yourself.
A compromise moves forward. Settling is giving up.
In a compromise, both you and your partner should be heard. The goal is to come to an agreement that is beneficial to each other. You’re moving forward together with the best intentions for each other.
When you settle, you’re giving up. You know you deserve more and are being taken advantage of. You know you could do better but you accept whatever you can get because you no longer want to put in the effort to get your desired results. So, you give up. You settle.
In time, you’ll regret
this decision. When you settle for less than you deserve, you give up the opportunity to be your best self. The relationship becomes routine and you’re there for time served. In reality, relationships should help you pursue your best.
Compromise is mutual. Settling is one-sided.
Think of a traditional business deal. Both parties sit at the table to negotiate a deal where everybody wins. Neither would accept a deal only beneficial to the other party. It would even be an insult to propose a deal only beneficial to your own business.
Compromise in a relationship should work the same. If you’re in a relationship with someone who always takes and never gives, you’re settling. Your relationship is one-sided. Healthy relationships are like good business deals; both partners win.
Here’s the truth, everyone has settled at some point. It’s a decision made out of fear. Some women accept certain behaviors because they’re unsure they’ll meet someone else in the time frame they have in mind. Some men settle because of the time they’ve invested into a relationship.
We assume something is better than nothing. That’s so far from the truth. When one partner settles, no one wins. Even when settling seems to work in the beginning, it usually ends with resentment. Compromise helps relationships grow.
Settling is a sign that it’s time for a new relationship.
By subscribing, you consent to receive emails from BlackDoctor.com. You may unsubscribe at any time. Privacy Policy & Terms of Service.
