As we approach Valentine’s Day, thoughts are all about love…getting cards, flowers, chocolates, romantic dinners, right? Hmmm. I started to wonder. What about acceptance, being there in the tough times, giving, forgiving, understanding the beauty in differences, knowing that anger may not be about you, seeing good instead of looking for what needs to change?
I speak from experience. For years, I was all into the trappings of love. If I didn’t get the flowers, cards and romantic dinners on the regular, then I wasn’t happy. Funny thing though, when those things were coming all the time and the more substantive aspects of real love were not, things didn’t last. So I had to take a step back and see why the niceties of love meant so much to me.
After much reflection, great counseling and prayer, I came to realize that I was protecting myself. You see, I lost my best friend Linda at 19. She was killed by her fiancé. I was a student at Howard University, and she was a student at American University. We worked at a fashionable boutique in Georgetown and talked everyday on the phone. Linda had the most wonderful laugh, and biggest dimples ever. She lived with her guy, and I thought it strange that he always answered the phone.
When she met me at my dorm late one Saturday night crying and scared because he had threatened her life, I tried to get her to never go back. But she did. That next Monday she didn’t show up for work. When her Mom finally called, she said, “If you want to see Linda alive, come to the hospital right now.” She died the next day.
I learned that while she was the ultimate victim of domestic violence, I was one as well. An emotional one. My emotions shut down, and a wall went up. Any indication at all of an argument, loud voice, anger, etc. and I’d go into Kung Fu Warrior mode. I had to be in control. So, what mattered were the niceties.
What happened at 19 took a toll on my adult life and my marriage. It was devastating to me personally in romantic relationships. I was fortunate that I could take care of myself financially, and ultimately my children as a single mom, but that ability precluded me from letting real love in. I built a wall around my heart that was very strong.
Once I learned from a wonderful counselor and friend Love McPherson to stop viewing love from the prism of my 19-year-old pain, I realized I didn’t have to put on my warrior mode every time issues came up. Some I could Just. Let. Go. It wasn’t all about me. What??? How refreshing was that! And guess what? This was not just with personal relationships. It was with my children. With friends. Even with colleagues.
Now, while I still like the niceties, I’m more interested in someone who’s got my back; someone who challenges me, who knows I’m strong, but knows I need to lay my head on a strong shoulder, too. Someone I can be myself with—flaws and all. They know that they can be themselves with flaws and all, too. Learning to love this way is God’s way. He accepts us as we are. In doing so, His love allows change in us to happen naturally, because we want to be the best we can be and because we are accepted.
In the end, love is about making the decision to love. It is not just about a feeling. Love is an action. It is a verb, not a noun. First, you must decide to love and nurture yourself. Surround yourself with what makes you feel good. I’m not talking retail therapy here—been there, done that. For example, you like flowers? Get yourself some for Valentine’s Day or any day! After loving yourself more fully, it’s easier to decide to love all of someone and to let them love all of you, because you aren’t coming from a place of lack but a place of love.
The key lesson I’m still learning is that love is a decision. It’s how you decide to show up in someone’s life. You have to make that decision every single day.
Glad it’s never too late to learn that.
Born and raised in Detroit, Amy S. Hilliard is the Principal of The Hilliard Group, founder of The ComfortCake Company and former President of Fashion Fair Cosmetics as well as senior executive for Gillette, L’Oreal, Pillsbury and Burrell Communications Group. A graduate of Howard University and the Harvard Business School, Amy is known as the “The Mother of Reinvention.”
She is an international speaker and author of TAP INTO YOUR JUICE, Find Your Gifts, Lose Your Fears and Build Your Dreams, endorsed by First Lady Michelle Obama. Join Amy’s email list here http://eepurl.com/b2S5CD. Visit her website, www.amyshilliard.com, and check her out on on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.
Connect with Love McPherson at www.LoveInfinityInc.com or [email protected].
By subscribing, you consent to receive emails from BlackDoctor.com. You may unsubscribe at any time. Privacy Policy & Terms of Service.
