Hey, Lovelies, I’m so glad you landed here! Per usual, the world and social media have been in pandemonium the past few weeks. From KeKe’s baby daddy showing his entire misogynistic behind to fake kidnappings and it being 10,000 degrees outside – I’ve just about had enough. I was watching the greatest show of all time, “Law & Order: SVU” (argue with ya cousin), and they mentioned Stealthing. I was unfamiliar with the term, so I began my investigation, and what I discovered was ghastly. Unfortunately, I later found this very common, so I wanted to share more information and resources with my internet friends. So, let’s get into it!
***Content warning: mention of rape and sexual assault
Sex, confusion, shame, and sexual non-consent never mix. When agreeing and engaging in protected sex, you have entrusted your partner with your health, body, and, quite literally, your future.
If you’re engaging in consensual condom-protected sex and your partner removes the condom without your permission or knowledge, stealthing has occurred. Secretly removing the condom or damaging the condom (making holes) is a form of sexual assault and, in some countries, rape.
Stealthing is considered sexual assault because it turns a consensual encounter (condom-protected sex) into a non-consensual one (unprotected sex).
Removal of the condom means that you can no longer protect yourself against unwanted pregnancy and STIs. There are also emotional and mental consequences, such as feelings of shame, loss of trust, and your authority and agency over your body have been violated.
First, let me preface this by saying that I am 100% pro-pleasure and an advocate for women’s sexual liberation, but only consensual pleasure and liberation. Sex and pleasure should be consensual, mutually beneficial, and fun. Stealthing is none of these things. It is rooted in deception and the desire to exert power and control over another human being for one’s own sexual gratification, which is NEVER acceptable.
Consent should be crystal clear for all aspects of sex, including protection from foreplay to intercourse to aftercare. Even if you consent to one sexual act, that does not mean you agree to any and everything during sex now or in the future with that partner.
There are many excuses for stealthing perpetrators to rationalize their behavior, from minimizing the severity of stealthing/gaslighting to saying, “Sex feels better without a condom.” Whatever they say, believe none of it; your anger and other emotions are valid.
If you or someone you know has been a victim of stealthing, understand that this was not your fault, the perpetrator violated your trust and ruined what could have been a beautiful experience.
Pleasure is your birthright; no one can take that freedom away from you. Anything that is done to your body requires your consent now and in the future. If you or someone you know has experienced stealthing, I’m sorry, and I hope you found ways to reclaim your body and autonomy after that experience.
Seek medical care immediately for STI testing and a pregnancy test. Whoever your person is, whether that’s your best friend or a therapist, seek their support and comfort. No matter what anyone tells you, you deserve healthy sexual relationships that are based on trust, respect, and healthy communication. Please take care of yourself in whatever way you need to.
Be on the lookout for more articles from “SPEAK UP!” interns. If you are or know of any Black college-aged and enrolled women interested in the health and wellness of Black students on HBCU campuses, please visit Save a Girl Save a World for more information.
Resources
National Sexual Assault Hotline
National Domestic Violence Hotline
Aravia Patterson, MPH is a 27-year-old SAGSAW/SPEAK Up! Intern and Ph.D. Student at the University of Louisville studying Health Promotion and Behavioral Sciences.
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