Let’s get this straight: men–real men–only want to fight for something they really want or what they believe in. So, the only fights guys really like are those that take place on HBO or Pay-Per-View. But guys don’t particularly like fights when they happen in relationships.
We shy away from confrontation for several reasons: first, men win rarely win arguments with women.
Second, we don’t have that much we want to argue about. For the vast majority of guys, fighting is failure and quite possibly a violation of local noise ordinances.
We may have a few little things to quibble about (Where in the world did you put my white t-shirt?), but for the most part, we’ll do anything to avoid conflict, especially these types of conflict:
You look at your email too much. Does your work phone always have to be on? You work way too much! You’re right, you’re right, and you’re right. When a man’s work is pitted against his relationship for time and attention, he can feel utterly conflicted.
Many men feel an intense pressure to succeed, to be the one who’s counted on, to be hardwired into whatever’s happening, even if it’s not much. And when you tell him that he should feel that way about you rather than the job, he retreats.
That’s because he’d rather make a choice between right and wrong than the choice you’re asking him to make: The choice between two things that are both important, but vastly different.
RELATED: Relationship 101: Healthy Fighting
You want to know what she’s like, what she does, why your man was into her, and why they broke up. Him? He wants to stay as tight-lipped as the CIA.
This only fuels speculation – she must’ve been great, she must’ve broken up with him, she must’ve been the love of his life. The truth may be none of those things, but he wants to reveal as little as possible because there’s no upside.
Ladies: here’s the truth: once she’s an ex and we’ve really moved on, we’ve really moved on! Yes, there was a time when I liked her, but the keyword in that statement is “was.” I’m with you now, so stop dwelling on the past.
If he recalls any positives about her, he’s afraid you’ll compare, and think poorly of yourself. If he says nasty things about his ex, he loses two ways: you’ll think badly of him for unchivalrous behavior, and wonder why he was with such a no-good girlfriend in the first place.
When a breakup is inevitable, a guy doesn’t want to go out with shouts, insults, crying, and random appliance tossing. Even though this relationship may have not worked out the way either of you pictured, he doesn’t want it to end badly.
Why? Because there’s a big part of him that cares very much about his rep; he doesn’t want to be perceived as a bad guy, or a mean one, or some jerk who deserves to be hit by the cross-town bus next time he crosses the street.
Even if he wants an ending, he doesn’t want it to be a bad one – which is why many breakup-minded men try to make a soft landing back in the singles world: Slowly, gently, and perhaps unfairly as well.
Not the wedding fight, as in whether or not to have one. But fights, as in plural, the kind that happens between the first ring he puts on your finger, and the second.
He knows you want him involved in all the decisions big (who to invite) and small (what style napkins). He knows that “It’s up to you” is usually one of the “Five Things You Should Never Say to a Woman,” as this article artfully instructs (hint: make sure he reads and heeds it!).
But in this case, his acquiescence isn’t because he’s uninterested; it’s because he respects that this is your (and possibly your mother’s) big day, so enjoy it, do what you want, and don’t get mad because he won’t tell you if he prefers the buttercream icing or the marzipan.
Here’s how this one goes: You call or he calls you. You all are talking and he asks you. “What are you doing? I’m thinking about coming to see you” or “I want to see you”. But then, you the woman, try to make things a little bit more complicated by asking, “Do you want to come over?” Since he didn’t make a definitive statement, you may think it’s a ploy to get you to say that you really want to see him first or something.
Men still don’t really know what you mean. Here’s the lesson in all this: if you want to see us, say it. If not, say that too. Plain and simple. If we say we are thinking about coming to see you, that’s what we are doing. We want to see if it’s cool first. So yes, we want to see you too.
Moral of the story? Let the past be the past, say what you mean and mean what you say, and let’s figure this thing out together.
Notice, we said “healthy” arguing, not just any kind of arguing. Occasional arguing can be considered healthy for a relationship, as it allows couples to express their needs, work through disagreements, and potentially deepen their understanding of each other, as long as the arguments are handled respectfully and constructively; however, frequent or intense arguments can be detrimental to a relationship.
It’s a normal part of a relationship:
Disagreements and occasional arguments are a normal part of any healthy relationship.
See it as an opportunity for growth:
When managed well, arguments can be a chance to learn more about your partner, address issues, and strengthen your connection.
Effective communication is key:
The key to healthy arguing is to communicate openly, respectfully, and focus on finding solutions rather than placing blame.
Red flags of unhealthy arguing:
Frequent, intense fights, personal attacks, not listening to each other, and inability to resolve conflicts can be signs of a toxic relationship dynamic.
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