You want to be supportive. You want to say the right thing. You want to be helpful.
Understandable.
Breast cancer is a life-threatening disease that can drastically change the lifestyle of the person diagnosed, as well as their loved ones. It’s emotionally draining and requires a significant amount of, not only physical, but mental strength too.
As a family member, friend, or coworker of someone with breast cancer, it may be hard finding the right thing to say to someone who has just been diagnosed. It may feel awkward to give overtly positive words of encouragement, but it may feel lousy to say something as simple as “Oh no, that’s terrible.”
It’s natural to be extra mindful of what should be said to someone who has been diagnosed. Most importantly, it’s vital to know what should NOT be said to people with breast cancer.
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“Fight cancer!”, “I know you can win the fight”, or any comparison to a battle or war is an absolutely inappropriate thing to say. This phrase is extremely common, usually used as a form of encouragement, rooted in acknowledging the strength that must be used when dealing with cancer.
This phrase is problematic because of its outstanding implication. If someone passes away or gets physically weaker from breast cancer, that would technically mean they “lost the battle”. To say that a victim of cancer “lost” the “fight” is implying that the person could have fought harder to ensure they did not “lose”. Or simply calling attention to the fact that their best was not good enough. Two things that a person with breast cancer, and the families of said person, don’t need to hear when mourning.
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This phrase is meant to sympathize with breast cancer patients but it just comes off as tone deaf. There are many patients who feel like they can’t get through the journey so to them, they can’t do what they’re doing. It feels like a never-ending battle. To emphasize that you personally couldn’t deal with breast cancer can be taken as another weird way of saying “Better you than me because you’re stronger and can handle it”.
When put like that, that doesn’t exactly feel comforting.
As an alternative, you can say “No matter what you do, you’re doing the best you can.” Phrases like this remove the emphasis on your own personal opinions or feelings about the situation. Instead, it provides encouragement that isn’t based on the patient needing to be strong or positive. It lets them know that their choices and lifestyle are all a product of being a human being and living their life, which is the best any of us can do when navigating hard times.
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It may sound helpful to offer “anything” to someone who has breast cancer but it can actually cause a lot of stress. Why? Because you aren’t being specific.
The lack of specification requires the breast cancer patient to think of ways they can be helped. Then, they have to wrestle with the idea that it’s “too much to ask of someone” resulting in them not asking for anything at all, or simply feeling too stressed to actually ask for help.
Instead, you can say “This is a difficult time, and I’m here if you need ____.”
Yes, actually tell them what you can do. If you can run errands for them, let them know! If you can be someone they can vent to, let them know! If you’re willing to come at a moment’s notice to aid in transportation, LET THEM KNOW. Offering specific, practical support allows them to already know your limits and how you can help, and leaves them the choice to use it or not. This way is less stressful, and not as open-ended.
Remember, everyone is different. So always make sure you’re attentive to those around you and the things you’re saying to those who have been diagnosed with breast cancer.
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