How can your world turn grey at the same your dreams come true?
Life was my kind of perfect. A new home. A happy marriage. A bubbly wide-eyed toddler. A longed-for newborn, asleep on my chest. I stared at her tiny fingers and toes in awe. My world was perfect in every way.
Until it wasn’t – and my days turned grey.
Every day, I felt inadequate and afraid. I loved my babies but felt that I was bad for them, that I might hurt them. It was overwhelming.
Eventually, it was immobilizing.
RELATED: Postpartum Depression: What Every Black Mom Needs To Know
I went to a coffee shop and sat outside in the car for fifteen minutes, unable to decide on my order. I drove away sobbing. I didn’t want to be out in public, even with close friends.
So, I retreated into my own world. The conversation became monosyllabic, negative and sullen. I couldn’t think clearly. I held my babies as my tears dampened their faces.
One day, my husband showed me a brochure asking if the information he read sounded familiar. It was a list of symptoms that described my life. I cried. He took my hand and said, “I think it time to see a doctor.”
Within 24 hours I sat in my doctor’s office, knowing the dream of the woman I expected to be was over. Instead, I was at the
end of myself, my heart was broken, my mind cloudy. I felt I’d shattered my own perfect world, I had done this to my family. Still, I heard my doctor through my fog.
Post-Partum Depression… is very serious. It is also very treatable.
Studies indicate that those who recover quickest don’t just have a prescription…. We need a holistic approach…
RELATED: Healing Black Mothers: Whether Pregnant Or Postpartum Get Screened For Depression
I left his office with a plan: Eat well. Regular exercise. Take your prescription. See a counselor. Reconnect with the doctor. Repeat.
The plan did not promise instant results, but it offered me a path to walk on.
RELATED: Postpartum Depression: A Black Mother’s Story
I diligently took my prescription. I ate well, and stayed hydrated. I slept, did laundry and held my babies. No lofty dreams or expectations, just simple tasks. I swam daily, and each time it felt like a baptism washing away an old, weary identity.
Counseling was the longest prescription of all. It revealed lost hopes; uncovered memories and wounds buried in my heart. It was time to heal. Maybe I could rediscover who I truly was along the way?
My people surrounded me. They cooked and cleaned for me. Listened and laughed with me. prayed with me.
Months later, I took a trip with my little ones to buy groceries. Standing in the parking lot with a cart full of food and children. I looked up and saw a beautiful clear blue sky. Not a cloud in sight. I lifted up my hands and wept. It was a new day.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR: JO SAXTON is a popular leadership trainer, international speaker, and author. She has been featured at IF: Gathering, Catalyst, Thrive and Propel conferences. Jo also chairs the board of an international discipleship organization, 3D Movements, serves on the advisory board for Today’s Christian Woman, and co-hosts the LeadStories podcast. Jo and her husband, Chris, live in the Minneapolis area with their two daughters. Her new book, The Dream of You will be released through WaterBrook & Multnomah on January 23, 2018.
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