“My daughter won’t get out of bed after I call her several times. It just feels like she’s ignoring me!”
“My son is acting out in school.”
“Why can’t my teen stop defying what I say all the time?”
These are the questions a lot of the parents I work with ask. My answer: I don’t exactly know, but we can talk about it and invite your child in to talk about what he or she knows about why they behave this way. As a psychotherapist, I value what my clients have to say – all of them, including the little ones. But, I don’t diagnose anyone without seeing them in person first. Therefore, it’s very important that when working with children and families, therapists get to speak with the parents, the school and the child about the behaviors that have cause for concern, or at least, a possible explanation, to get a better understanding of the problem.
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One of my favorite quotes I picked up over the years is “no two children are alike. Not even two of your own.” The number of years it took your child to get to where they are showing signs for concern will take at least a good portion of that time to show some positive and consistent change.
I ask that parents be committed to the process of “getting better.” I also encourage parents to remain active in their child’s therapy by participating in therapy with them. Parents tend to want their children to be “fixed” so that the schools will stop calling them about their son hitting other kids, bullying, not following directions and talking back. Parents also want their daughters to stop being sassy, clean their rooms and to come home on time. However, some of the challenges begin with the way in which families view these behaviors and how therapy and its undeterminable timeline can be useful.
When your child’s personality has drastically changed or their mood has gone from cooperative to downright belligerent, those are indications that there’s a shift. Occasionally, that shift can be the result of a developmental shift, such as a transition from childhood to adolescence or from pre-pubescence to adolescence. If your child, however, has changes in their mood or behavior that last for at least 6 months, your child may need to see a professional.
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The role of therapy is not just child-centered. It is child and family-centered. It’s very normal for parents to question why coming in to therapy with their child is important. Foremost, your child needs your support. But also, we need to discuss what we do in therapy, the goals of therapy, how parental education helps provide other means to help the child carry on the goals of therapy at home and in school. It’s not a place for me to “get in your business,” otherwise known as suspicion. It’s also not a place for me to judge you or label you as a “bad parent,” a fear I often encounter.
My role as the therapist is not to highlight anyone’s shortcomings, but to instead provide you with an opportunity to reconstruct the way your child may need you to parent them. Sounds strange, doesn’t it? But this goes back to the statement of “no two children are alike.” The behaviors your child exhibits are the vessels in which your child is trying to communicate to the world. Whether those behaviors are interpreted as sadness, confusion, shame, abuse, or learning disabled, you as the parent have a right to know, and your child has a right to live a more well-adjusted life.
At the end of the day, we all want the best for our children. Our job as their guides is to help them achieve that, successfully.
Asha Tarry, LMSW, PLLC is a Mental Health Specialist, Life Coach and Owner of Behavioral Health Consulting Services (www.BHConsultingServices.net), a mental health company that provides consultations, evaluations, referrals and life coaching to adults 18 years and older with mental health and social services’ needs. Follow her @ashtarry on Twitter/ Asha Tarry on Facebook and LinkedIN.
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