The words we speak are powerful enough to move mankind to action or to disarm within the same breath, and when it comes to sex words have the same effect. It isn’t often that the average person thinks about how their words can influence his or her partner’s sex drive, but it is a factor that everyone should begin taking notice of.
Too often one partner is discouraged from entering into the sex he or she desires because of something that was said during or after an act, and although these words may not have been delivered with malice, the damage they cause can sometimes result in sexual dysfunction. Libido-killing phrases are used all too commonly, but they can be remedied with a little guidance on how to deliver the concern of the message minus its stinging undercurrent.
It’s time to speak life into your partner instead. Here are seven libido killing phrases and how to correct them.
1. “I’m use to dealing with men who are larger in size.”
This is one of the most damaging phrases to the male ego that I commonly hear from men who approach me with their confidence wounded. Women who hold high sexual expectations are known to be insensitive during times of sexual expression, but the weight of these words should be held into consideration. Sure, your current partner may not fit the mold of previous partners, but instead of making a comparison to men of the past (a big faux pas in relationships), suggest sex positions that can assist in making up for the lack of size that you expect. Rear entry positions such as doggie style provide deep penetration, as well as woman-on-top positions. Positions that place the legs close together provide a tighter fit and missionary positions provide more shallow entry. No man wants to be told he doesn’t match up to the last, so become solution-based instead.
2. “You smell funny down there.”
Poor hygiene is a major turn off during sexual activity, and while it is important to make your partner aware of improper practices, the delivery of the message makes all the difference. Sometimes smells are an indicator of a present infection that may require medication to clear up, and other times it’s a collection of bacteria that requires a simple wash. There are also occasions where a person’s natural body odor may not register as appealing to one’s senses. Whatever the case may be, it is important to approach this issue with caution and sensitivity. Once again, it’s time to be a problem solver. Offer to take a shower or a bath together as a form of foreplay to ensure proper hygiene practices are maintained, and if a smell persists after sexual activity, it may be time to see a physician…together.
3. “I see you forgot to shave today!”
Stripping bare “down there” is really a matter of preference, but when one is scrutinized for a lack of trimming it can drive libido to its lowest state. Instead of making negative references to one’s natural state, offer to shave your partner as a way to build intimacy. If shaving isn’t your partner’s preference, embrace them as they are and use erotic massage as way to stimulate pubic areas without coming face to face with them.
4. “Don’t get me pregnant!”
Unwanted pregnancy is always a concern during sexual activity, especially for the woman that isn’t using birth control and for the couple that isn’t actively using condoms as a first line of defense. Stating this concern with urgency can sometimes put pressure on men to perform in a particular way that may cause early ejaculation or a loss of erection. The common solution to this situation is to employ some form of birth control to create a worry-free experience.
5. “You were able to do more when you were smaller.”
Body image issues top the list of dysfunctions that create less than pleasurable sexual situations for individuals and couples. Placing a spotlight on weight gain is never a great way to encourage a partner to perform at their best, so to avoid bringing insecurities into the bedroom that can inhibit arousal, switch up positions and performance space to encourage equal participation. Outside of the bedroom, encourage your partner to get into shape by working out together and suggesting healthier meal prep.
6. “Do we have to do this right now?”
One partner may be turned on while the other is less than enthused about having sex, but being one to consistently deflect sexual advances can cause a relationship to become sexless altogether. As a way to make sex a priority in your relationship that creates a healthy sense of expression, set a time either weekly, bi-weekly or monthly (whatever you and your partner decide upon) to have erotic play time for at least an hour. Performing in this way will create an expectancy that won’t catch either partner off guard when sex is on the menu for the evening.
7. “You don’t satisfy me.”
It’s important to make a partner aware of dissatisfaction, but once again, the delivery of the message is what counts. Instead of delivering a message that can be damaging to the ego and self-esteem, work on finding solutions to the least satisfying parts of your sex life. Make suggestions of techniques that can be added to spice things up, suggest sex coaching, buy books that can be read together or watch adult films together. Always be aware of how your words can affect your partner.
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Glamazon Tyomi is a freelance writer, model and sex educator with a deeply rooted passion for spreading the message of sex positivity and encouraging the masses to embrace their sexuality. Her website, www.sexperttyomi.com, reaches internationally as a source for advice and information for the sexually active/curious. Follow her on Twitter at @glamazontyomi and the all-new “Glamazon Tyomi’s Sex Academy” radio show here.
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