You did it! You’ve finally dipped your toe into the dating pool.
You’ve met someone and they have got serious potential. They’re thoughtful and kind. Funny and articulate. They even like the same television shows as you! It sounds like you’re no longer waiting to exhale – you’re breathin’ good girl! But wait… all this euphoria about finding your potential one made you forget you-know-what. That thing… that refuses to go away. That thing – in your body. Outside your body. That thing that flares up and rears its ugly head at the most inopportune times. Your chronic condition – the gift that keeps on giving (ugh). You resolve to yourself “I gotta tell them.” But how do I know when it is a good time to tell my partner about my chronic condition? Should I even tell them at all? Here are some suggestions on how to get over one of the biggest hurdles people with chronic conditions have to face – telling your partner.
The truth is you never really know when the right time is to reveal sensitive information to a new partner. Knowing how to balance honesty with boundaries is not easy, and in your endeavor to create closeness, there’s always the chance you might scare them away when disclosing too much too soon. How do you combat this?
Seriously plan out what you are going to say to your partner. Take notes – index cards, an outline, or a notebook app on your phone – and practice them alone if you need to.
There is no need to reveal every single detail at once, that may actually scare them away. Instead, start slow and reveal your chronic illness with small details and definitions.
Start with simple definitions. If and when you are comfortable, you can tell them more as the relationship progresses. If the relationship ends, you can feel secure knowing you didn’t reveal too many details too soon.
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Dating for love involves letting yourself be vulnerable. Without it, you will find yourself in a shallow relationship with a shaky foundation. But dating with a chronic condition can cause you to fear vulnerability with a new partner, and fear being rejected when they learn about your diagnosis.
How do you beat the fear of vulnerability? By sharing your feelings. Expressing yourself to your partner outside of your chronic illness can help you express yourself about your chronic illness. Sounds crazy right?
Extended periods of isolation due to your chronic illness and anxiety about what others will think of you can cause you to retreat into your head where you feel safe. But the truth is, not being fully present can cause you to miss out socially, and strangle your relationship with your partner before it even begins.
Try being present by letting your partner inside your head – with you! Tell them how you’re feeling today – even if it sounds a little graphic (“Sorry if I’m a bit snippy today, babe. I think my HS is flaring up in my underarms.”).
Sharing what is going on in your head and body allows your partner the chance to listen and show you empathy, which will only strengthen your relationship.
You are not your illness. Whether you are dealing with HIV, COPD, achy joints from Psoriatic arthritis, or a painfully unwelcome lump from Hidradenitis suppurativa, you were and are you first. So live like it!
You are worth the moments it takes to get to know you. So, take up a hobby. Hit a social hour and meet new girlfriends. And date freely.
Whether you speed date, date online, or have a simple get-me-out-the-friend-zone coffee date with an associate, your chronic condition is what you have – not who you are.
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